Insomnia.

It's 4 something in the morning, and I still couldn't sleep, since 2 something.

My brains are disturbed, again.

Still, at least I could have a brief me-time will the kids are asleep.

No, no. Not having any problems with my darling wife. She's an angel. But I decided not to disturb her slumber. Kesian dia. Penat melayan kerenah anak2. Yes, I do help (obviously! kerja hakiki seorang suami tu! ^_^) But since my darling wife had caesarean operation twice, her energy is not as same as she was before pregnant. Even though 4 years has passed since Idrizz, still, the pain is still there.

She's a hero. A survivor.

 Anyway, 

Lots of things happened recently. Unexpected to be exact. Couldn't say the incidents specifically, but let me describe in words:

Betrayal

Dishonesty

Stubbornness

Neglected

Unfocused

Rudeness

Chaos

Lies

Gila Kuasa (Ini in BM. heh.)

I'm just tired. Too tired of all this nonsense. My brain is making lots of noises lately, telling me that I'm worthless, weak etc. Also filled with bleak past experiences. I sometimes couldn't even breath. I lost focus. Heart beats fast sometimes. I drop things unintentionally and suddenly.

How I wish I could express my anger, my disappointment on the spot, directly. But it's not worth the time, the energy, and the emotion. Yet, it's killing me inside. Severely. 

How I wish I'm not in this situation. But Allah has put me in. Still, I believe that there is something that HE wants to show me. Takpelah. Husnuzon, eventhough it hurts.

Let's just pray that I am stable soon. Still in this tiring healing process.

Goodnight, everything.